The Betrayal
by August12
Summary: Post 2x13 Fitz's thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

Betrayal. It's bad enough on its own but, when the person who betrays you is the one person who you thought you could trust, who you loved the most; it seems to magnify itself so intensely that it's all you can feel.

She had betrayed me. Olivia Pope, my sweet baby, had betrayed me. I may have expected a betrayal of sorts from Hollis, from Mellie even on some level from Cyrus but I never expected her to betray me. She had believed in me and she fought to make me a better man; the best man and yet, when it came to it, she knew I still wasn't good enough. I was not yet fixed.

For the past few years, my life with Olivia had been the only real thing that existed; it was what made everything else bearable. Now, all I see when I think of her is betrayal and hatred, hatred because there is nothing left to make the rest bearable. They took everything from me, they snatched it and wrenched it from my grasp and she helped them. She helped them to control my life, my destiny. She knew what it meant to me to have some authority over which course my life and my career would take and yet, she stole it from me. The one person I thought I could trust the most. Nothing was real to me anymore; everything had turned to a lie.

There is a fine line between love and hate and sometimes that line blurs too much to tell what it is that you're actually feeling. I've reached that point of obscurity now. Yesterday I was so in love with her that I would have done anything for her, I would have risked it all. Today, I still risked it all for her. I did what I did to Verna to protect Olivia, at the cost of my own innocence, but I cannot escape the feeling of hatred that is growing inside of me.

The realization of everything that has transpired is too great. It weighs down on me and it's suffocating. I hate her but I know that I cannot exist without her. She is my world. She is my love. She is my Olivia.


	2. Chapter 2

**DIsclaimer: All characters belong to Shonda Rhimes and co.**

**Reviews welcomed.**

Love is primal. It is an inherent part of human nature to love and be loved yet, open your heart to that basic necessity, open your heart to love and I guarantee someone will destroy it.

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I feel the liquid burning down my throat trying to delve deeper into every part of me and discover something that is wholly me. It's strange that the thing that presses for discovery is the one thing I drink to escape my duty, my obligations, myself and most importantly, to escape from every fiber of my body that is Olivia Pope.

The day had been a myriad of trials and tribulations; there had been the fiasco that was the SEAL trap, Cyrus' role in Defiance fully coming to light and the mole but none had been as difficult to face as seeing her.

Ten months it had been. Ten painful months of agonizing over wanting to see her face or just hear her voice yet, fighting with the part of me that detested her still for what she did. I thought I may have finally composed myself enough to be nonchalant upon seeing her but it turns out that I'm still captivated by her. The moment she walked into the church I could feel her, then when we were holding Ella, I could physically touch her. We were both cautious of how to act around one another but all I could think about was how this baby, this christening could have been ours. We could have had it all. Instead, Liv betrayed me, she betrayed my dreams, and she betrayed our life all for something I would have been content with losing if it meant I could have had her.

I knew that as soon as I could, I had to get her alone. I had to be with her again. Olivia Pope brings out the best and the worst in me. Today, what I did was perhaps one of the most despicable actions I've done but I can't control myself around her. It was as if all of the pent up feelings of resentment, hatred, desire, lust and love that I've been feeling for the past months in regards to Olivia, just overflowed and demolished their barricades. I acted like an animal and became something I abhor.

Olivia had always made me sure of myself. She made me want to be a better man, the best man that I could be but, today, instead of dwelling on her betrayal I'm focused on my own. Tonight I realize that I betrayed her. I betrayed her by not waiting for her, I betrayed her by falling in love with her, I betrayed her by leaving her but most importantly, today I betrayed her by being the worst possible, selfish version of myself.

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I gave myself whole-heartedly to Olivia Pope, I gave her my heart and my soul. She betrayed what I had entrusted to her and she destroyed it.


	3. Chapter 3

Author Note: Sorry for the slow update: this chapter takes place after 2x15 with 2x16 to follow! School has been hectic and obviously that month long hiatus did nothing for my creativity! Would love to hear your views on this chapter- I don't think it's one of my best but it's pretty good. Will update hopefully before this Thursday.

There is a guy. I know there's a guy.

The smile. It's all I need to know that she's found someone, because I know that smile. That smile, her smile, was once only ever for me.

I know her too well. I know how she paces when she thinks, how she walks when she's nervous, I know her past and I know every look that crosses her face because every one of those looks still controls me.

Jake can tell me there isn't anyone but I know there's a guy.

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Two sides are always warring within us. The rational, betrayed part of me argues that I'm having her watched because she's a risk to my Presidency and betrayer to the constitution. The truth, as much as I loathe admitting it, is that it is personal. It's as personal as it could possibly get.

I ended it. I pushed her away when I could probably have had her. I hurt us both with my words to her at the christening yet, the largest part of me, the part that is still irrevocably in love and infatuated with Olivia Pope refuses to let her go. So I watch her. I have to still be a part of her life; I have to know what she's doing.

I can't escape the feelings of betrayal and hurt that seem to fill my days but I know that whenever I see her or even just think about her, the disappointment is quickly followed by an aching to touch her, to feel her. As much as I hate what she did, I also can't escape the love that I have for her.

Each day that passes, each day that I don't have her in my arms or hear her voice is a day that pushes me further to the edge. No one can pull me back or push me further like she can. She still controls my every move and all of it depends on how I decide to behave. If I let her back into my life, she'll save me and I know that I'll cling to her and never let her slip from my grasp again. If I don't, if I exile her from my life altogether, then her very absence will send me head first off the precipice.

That's why I watch her. I need to know what she's doing, if she's happy or if she's as distraught as I am. Her behavior will dictate my own actions and our future.

If there is another man, I have to decide whether to let her go and allow myself to fall or I have to fight for her and save us both.


	4. Chapter 4

"A kiss may ruin a human life"- Oscar Wilde

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One look. One touch. One kiss. They were all it had taken for me to fall for her.

From our first few moments together, I knew that she was different from anyone I'd encountered. She was different from Cyrus and she was the polar opposite of Mellie, she was what I needed- what I wanted.

From our first kiss, from the minute our lips crashed together, I was hooked. I knew there was no escape and frankly, I didn't desire one. Retrospectively, after everything that has transpired, I realize that one kiss was the demise of my existence.

She had made me love her so vehemently, that I sought her approval in everything I did. It was as if Olivia Pope cast some spell on me that took away my free will and made me solely reliant on her yet, instead of belittling me, she built me up higher than I ever could have anticipated.

She was all I had. She was all I needed. She was all I wanted.

Now after learning the truth, after learning just who Olivia Pope really is, I can see my life is like a box of tattered rags just waiting to be stitched together into something useful again. I know that no one else can do that, my children can't help me, Mellie can't help me and Olivia certainly can't 'fix' what she destroyed: I have to do it myself. I have to rebuild the ruins into a magnificent structure: I have to fix myself.

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So I did and I began by bringing home the hostages. The raid was a resounding success and I, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III, had not only restored the People's faith in me, I had restored my faith in myself. I proved to my fragmented self that I could function without Cyrus, without Mellie and most importantly without Olivia.

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The ache I have for her never really goes away. It's just that everyday the drink grows stronger; the thirst to rebuild myself grows more powerful; and my quest to be the President I want to be, that she told me to be, grows more ardent each passing day.

"In the human heart there is a perpetual generation of passions; so that the ruin of one is almost always the foundation of another."- François de la Rochefoucauld.

Perhaps she needed to ruin me. Perhaps she, the one who held the most power over me and could destroy me so easily, needed to do what she did to make me a better man- the best man- for the job.

At least- that's what I tell myself.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author Note**: In response to "Oxford's" review- I have so far not given Fitz a shot at moving on because, on the show up until 'Snake in the Garden,' neither had Shonda. As for him going around in circles, the reason I did this was because I felt that the betrayal he feels is so immense that he's in a tailspin. This story and his thoughts are purely, for me, a way of expressing Fitz's emotion, hurt and confusion. There is no particular aim to them, all I can say is that the chaos of his thoughts, I think, mirrors the downward spiral he's currently in.

As usual, I do not own 'Scandal' and therefore all credit for storyline and plot goes to Shonda Rhimes and co. Please review- I always love what you have to say and thank you for the follows and favorites.

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_Every son quotes his father, in words and in deeds. ~Terri Guillemets_

I've become the one thing that I swore I never would be.

I've become him.

I am my father; I am Big Jerry.

I never wanted to be like him. I promised myself that my children wouldn't ever have to have a father like I had. Yet here I am, standing alone with Mellie's words ringing around the empty room:

"You're mean, Fitz."

"You're Big Jerry."

"They're scared of you."

There has not been anything, for the past 11 months or so, which has been able to break through my scotch haze: until now. The revelation that my children are afraid of me, the fact that they begged to not see me, was devastating.

The thought that my drunkenness had driven them away, the notion that I'm indistinguishable from Him, disgusts me.

So I removed my hand from the glass and I refused to feed the devil. I need to pull myself together. I need to be the father that Karen and Jerry know and I need to be the best version of myself for Teddy.

I may not like that it was Mellie that got through to me and I acquiesce that she was right however, I am grateful to her. Her decisions and her words were the wake up call I needed to save myself from my thoughts; she saved me from losing myself completely.

For the past few years there have only been a handful of people whom I have prized above anything else:

My children. They may not have always been around me, thanks to Mellie, but they have always been in my thoughts and whilst I confess that my relationship with Olivia could have disrupted their lives, I had never had the intention to do so. Regardless of everything, I have treasured them.

Olivia. Livvie. My sweet baby. I worshipped her and placed her on a pedestal far higher than anybody else and when she fell, well I've never experienced something as forceful. I cannot escape my feelings toward her, yes I still love her with all my might, but I cannot quite push passed the hurt.

I may not be able to retrieve one of my loves, but I can reclaim three of them. If I can never have Livvie again, at least I can try to redeem myself in my children's eyes.

Mellie may think I'm Him but I will do the one thing he never did. I will apologize. I will be the man and the father that mine never was. I will be Fitzgerald Grant, father, guider and President and from now on, I will do it well.


End file.
